Still Trying

Back tracking just a touch.....this whole process began because getting pregnant was just not happening, despite our best, and frequent, efforts. After surgeries performed to enhance my utero atmosphere where scheduled and completed, pills, shots and artificial insemination attempted and failed several times....we decided on adoption through foster care. If you have ever struggled to get pregnant maybe you would agree- years of hurt, disappointment, fear and frustration hover so close to the surface, in absolutely every single situation. The shared thrill for my dearest friends the first, second and even third time they called to let me know their good news, was a little harder each time, as my calls to them where always the opposite. While they couldn't wait to hear that we finally had good news, my call was to say, "not this time".  With each passing year it seemed like literally every woman I knew was getting pregnant, even those trying hard not to! And it's not a position of pity or envy....I didn't want my friends to feel sorry for me, and my joy for them was from the depths of my soul, but I'd be telling an untruth if I said it wasn't hard and that, on occasion, I didn't hang up the phone and cry. So, as we made the decision for adoption, although exciting to move forward, it felt like a moment of defeat rather than the moment of surrender that it became.

During the entire process of training and fostering, we never let go of our desire to get pregnant. We would open our home, adopt if possible and continue trying to have a baby. After having zero success with the other options, we decided to try IVF. Our first attempt was scheduled in October of 09, but was rescheduled after Timothy arrived in September. Our new appointment was now for March of 2010, but when Mason came in February, and since the time of possible transition was pending, we decided to cancel IVF until further notice. We needed to see how the next few months were going to play out. Would Timothy transition to the grandparents? Would Mason stay? Too many 'what if's' to go into IVF and the doc had said, "We should reduce our stress before we invest". Ha! Then this was certainly not the time!

So, for the time being, we continued the fun, nonmedical attempts, but all medical fertility efforts ceased. From February 2010 and on, it would be this way.

While our minds were preoccupied with work, kids and life in general, the idea and hope of getting pregnant and having a child of our own, never left me. Scott wanted to have a baby too, of course, but I'm just not sure it consumes men in the same way it does a woman. Like, somehow I would be less of a woman if I never got pregnant. I would be missing out on the great gift God gives us after years of having a period. While maybe a little vain, the fact that no one would ever ask me how far along I was, or compliment my 'glow'. A little piece of my heart broke ever single month that my cycle came again. When you've been 'trying' that long you know exactly how many days it's been and, if by chance, I was 30 minutes late, I knew it and was ready to take a pregnancy test. Scott would always say, "Just wait another day, then you can take it if you haven't started." Inevitably, I would start sometime that day, or first thing next morning, just after breaking into a test. I had moments of anger...I'm healthy and my cycle is like clockwork, WHY can't I get pregnant?! I knew from a young age that what I wanted to do when I grew up, was be a mom. I would get frustrated at the strong desire I had for this role that now, God was not allowing me. What had I done? Maybe this was my punishment for the things I had done wrong in my life. Oddly enough, that brought a little understanding...I deserved that and worse, I'm sure. But no where in scripture is that mentality supported. God forgives us, pours out His mercy and grace.

People had advice, of course.....'have you tried this position?' 'Have you put your feet in the air after?' 'You just need to quit thinking about it so much, then it will happen.' And then there were the bargains I made with God. "I'll do x,y,z if you just let me get pregnant." Or, "I'll never cuss again if I have a baby." I'm here to tell you, I quit thinking about it a thousand times, tried real hard to never cuss and put my feet in the air every time, after every position, and not one single time did I ever get pregnant. Not once, in 8 years.

Good thing we enjoyed the trying!