Sleep that Saturday night was heavy burdened. We probably both fell out from emotional exhaustion that comes with difficult decisions, but I know I went to bed sad, hurt and angry at Scott and frustrated at the whole situation, and woke in a similar state that Sunday morning.
That is, until I walked to my sink in the bathroom and saw the most selfless words I'd ever read outside the Bible. Scott and I use dry erase markers on our bathroom mirror to make notes and prayer reminders for ourselves and to each other. That morning he wrote, "It's not about me, Sophia Grace can stay." directly above my sink.
That was August 4, 2013...our mirror has not been clean since then, almost two years later. Many other notes and prayers have been added, and changed when they've been answered, but this is still there.
I wept tears of relief and understanding as I climbed in his lap to say thank you. I knew this did not guarentee it would be forever, at the time, that wasn't our choice to even make, but I knew it meant we were not going to call the next day, and that if we ever did, the reasons would not be of such selfish intent. A weight was lifted from both our hearts in that moment and we got the kids up and ready for church.
It's funny to go through such an emotionally tumultuous time and have no one around you really know about it. No one treated us any differently when we walked into church that day, although, inside, we were vastly different then we had been throughout the week. My dear friend Julie is the nursery coordinator at our church and her husband Joe is often in there with her at pickup time. On this particular Sunday, he was sitting on the floor next to our girl who was in a bouncy seat, holding one of his two beautiful children in his lap. Joe looked from her to me and with the most sincere tone and expression said, "She has got to be the third most beautiful baby I have ever seen." I had heard for a week how beautiful she was, but in that moment, as he said those words, it was like I looked at her for the first time and saw a beautiful baby girl looking back at her mommy, and in an instant, my heart changed. We bonded in that moment and love grew exponentially.
There is a good chance Joe never thought twice about saying those words to me, but they have stuck with me, and always will. They remind me of the moment when I first really looked and saw her. I saw that she loved me and needed me, and in an instant my love for my daughter, my Sophia, was complete.